The grief of losing a loved one is perhaps one of the greatest sorrows of life. Even though death is the most certain aspect of living, it never fails to take us by surprise. The best of the preparations and logic fail when we come face to face with this inevitable enigma. Truth be told, we are never prepared for it, especially when it comes to someone we love and care for.
And what is even more difficult to endure?
The grief of losing a loved one while being far away from them.
Not being able to be present makes it even harder to come to terms with such losses. In my life, I have personally experienced this twice- both in the case of the death of a grandparent. And during both of those times, I have learned so much about grief and how to handle it, especially while being far away.
When my grandma passed away in 2014, I was staying in a hostel, doing my MBA. Though it was just before the exams and I could manage to be home at least for the funeral. In a way, I was able to get closure through the rituals and by being with my family even though I wasn’t with her when she breathed her last.
However, when my grandfather passed away earlier this year, I was thousands of miles away from him. I did not get the chance to say goodbye in person. Nor was I able to attend the funeral. I did not have the comfort of rituals or my close family this time while I grieved for the loss of a person who was fundamental in shaping me into who I am today.
But I am a firm believer of the age-old adage- “life goes on”.
And because of that, I had to find ways of handling this grief of losing a loved one in my own way. When I turned to the collective wisdom of the virtual world, I did not really find much in terms of coping with a situation such as this one. Perhaps, grief is too personal a thing to be shared. Having said that, I did feel that some guidelines would have been nice. And so, here are some things which I have learned along the way and I hope that you find something useful among them.
1. Let the emotions tumble out
The pain from loss is inevitable. There is no way to circumvent that. However, in our endeavor to deal with this pain, we often bottle up the emotions within ourselves. That can have a significantly negative impact on us.
When my grandma passed away, I had thought the smart thing to do would be to keep the sadness to myself and act normal around my friends. What I did not know was how it was going to affect my behavior. Because I was not giving an outlet to all the pent up emotions within myself, I reacted in other ways. I was downright rude and angry towards my closest friends. Anger is an important stage in handling grief. That incident taught me to never again suppress how I feel.
Grief manifests in different ways in all of us. It runs a different course for each individual. Whatever it makes you feel, never try to shy away from those feelings. Cry if you want to or shout out loud in anger if that is what you think you need. Make sure that you let your emotions tumble out of yourself.
2. Do an activity that you used to do together
One thing that really helped me to take some concrete action during these times was to engage in an activity that I associated with the person who was gone. It felt like a tribute to the memories. One last time of experiencing the magic together, even though I was actually alone with my thoughts.
So pick something that you both enjoyed doing and take some time out to indulge in that activity. Go on a hike, to the beaches, or on a trip to your favorite place. It doesn’t have to be an outdoorsy activity either. For example, my grandma was a bookworm and so am I. So all I did was re-read some of the stories she used to tell me as a kid. This simple action gave me the sense that I was sharing one last close moment with her.
3. You have to give it time
There is no alternative to this. Time, after all, is the best healer. But we often forget that in the face of the grief of losing, especially if the loss is an unexpected one. I did not remember that either. However, when I look back, I realize how with each passing day, the grief became bearable, albeit slowly but surely steadily.
4. Journal about your best memories
Sometimes we forget to focus on the good and dwell too much on what’s not right. In my experience, that is a recipe for disaster. Life goes on, one way or the other. And certain deaths are too difficult to come to terms with, especially when someone is gone fare before their time. It is always up to us what we want to see when we look back. I say, choose the best.
Writing down about the good times and memories that you had with the person is a fulfilling way to relive the past. Focus on the days that were filled with laughter, gratitude, and happiness. Journal about one bright memory every day. I am not saying that this will make the pain disappear. But it will certainly give a way to your emotions.
5. Reach out to someone close
Last, but perhaps the most important thing that one can do during these hard times of their lives is to reach out to someone close. We are social creatures and sharing our griefs definitely makes them a tad bit more bearable. So don’t wait to make that phone call to your mother, BFF, brother, aunt, or whoever that close person is. Talk to them and tell them how you feel. There is a time to be strong and a time to ask for support; it is crucial that you know when to do which.
Life goes on
The tapestry of life is beautiful in its contrast. It is woven with bright strands of happiness and joy. However, turn the side and you will find pain and grief intricately interwoven as well. The necessary thing is to understand that without the negative, the positive has no meaning. The Yin and Yang are complementary, not clashing in nature.
With death being the only truth of life, each and every one of us must face the grief of losing a loved one at some point. It is how we choose to behave in the face of such a loss is what matters. Handling grief when far away from home, in a place without the warmth and comfort of friends and family is even tougher. But life goes on, one way or the other.
So, it is essential that we understand ourselves and take mindful steps towards addressing our grief in a manner that we think is best and healthy for ourselves.
Peace.
Do you have any related experience or story to tell? Please share in the comments below. I would love to hear from you.
