This is a story of finding myself when I thought I was lost.
The unconventional has always attracted and fascinated me. Even as a kid, when asked the standard “ what do you want to be when you grow up?” my mind invariably came up with images of a lady in a flowing dress and glittering stones. Sometimes she would be holding a long paintbrush or at other times happy stray dogs would surround her. No doctors or astronauts for me, I was too adventurous for that. Or so I thought.
Much later, I realized that kids are so brave, they do not think that there are any limitations to what they can do. But as they grow up, practicality buries all those beautiful and quirky dreams they have. At least, I did bury mine. I don’t know when the image of a typical corporate woman in her business suit replaced the one of that bohemian lady. Not that there’s anything wrong with either of them; the latter just did not feel right for me.
Still, I continued on the usual path and went on to become an engineer. And as if that was not enough, I also got a degree in business management. The corporate workplace became my address. To the world, I was the girl who had made it- self-dependent, had a stable job and had made my parents proud.
But as the adage goes- all that glitters is not gold. Sure, I was not unhappy, however, I was not fulfilled either. So a few years later, when the time came for me to choose between my job and my relationship, I was more than ready to make the decision. I quit my job, packed my bags and traveled across the world to be with my husband. While I knew that this was not going to be the proverbial breaking of the shackles, I just hoped that this move would give me the much-needed break.
Over the next year, there was a drastic reduction in my stress levels. I started taking care of myself and indulged in my passions after a long, long time. Then I did an oil painting after almost 15 years; I had forgotten how meditative it was for me. I explored my love for cooking to my heart’s content. My husband became the taste tester and I couldn’t be happier. I did not have a work permit in the new country yet and so working for money was not an option during that time.
Eventually, the work permit arrived and with it came back all the anxiety. Now that I was eligible, I should look for a job, right? I was qualified and if I do not work how am I going to justify all the effort that I put into studying and working before? Funnily enough, all these questions were within me. I was the only one doubting myself- my value as a person whether I choose to re-enter the job market or not. I spent a couple of harrowing months fine-tuning my resume and writing a number of cover letters, tailoring each one carefully to the particular job I was applying to.
And then one day, I snapped. I realized that I was making myself miserable by trying to do something, which clearly did not excite me. I simply did not have the mental energy to get back into the same 9 to 5 grind anymore. Life was passing by while I was trying to fit in.
So at 31, with a lot of encouragement from my parents and my husband, I asked my inner child, “ What do you want to become?”
Back came the images of the bohemian lady in a flowing dress and a happy smile. The answer was clear. I needed to follow my passions and took the decision right there. Immediately, this entire weight lifted off my soul. I know it sounds so cliché and I was not someone who believed in it before that moment. But it’s true; I did feel lighter.
And immensely hopeful.
For the first time in I don’t know how long, I felt a flower of hope budding inside me. The very thought of restarting my career, but this time by doing what I love, was liberating. I created this blog just a week after that. And I felt fulfilled.
We all know that it is never too late to do something we love. In my case, I was perhaps waiting for a nudge in that direction and I was lucky enough to end up finding myself again. But sometimes we have to become our own champion and ask ourselves what is it that we really want.
If you are someone who is looking for an answer to that question, I sincerely hope that you find your way in this world and be content.
Peace.
Do you have any related experience or story to tell? Please share in the comments below. I would love to hear from you.
